Friday, June 7, 2013

Keeping Up

The title of this post, in keeping with the A-Z blogging challenge (though I have obviously given it my own time frame), is Keeping Up. I've been thinking about the K post for a long while, considering all the good 'K' words in my life. I feel like this title sits well, though, with the mood right now, though.
Keeping up is, for me, a sort of double entenrde relating to my life. I have fallen into the pattern of always feeling behind. I have not meal planned enough in advance, I have not planned the weeks homeschool activities, I haven't picked out clothes and now we must all wander the house nude until the dryer is done...
The other meaning, the more difficult and subtle meaning has to do with my emotional well being. Am I keeping up? Or am I allowing myself to sink slowly, like a sponge gradually taking in water until it is too heavy to float at the surface? I spend a lot of time wringing myself out, popping back to the surface, and beginning again.
These past few months have been so challenging for me. I feel like I am pregnant with dozens of creative endeavors, but, like Leto, I am unable to bring these projects to birth. I have not yet found that bit of earth that is not earth, that in between space, that zen. Worse yet, I am a wanderer who cannot wander. I cannot leave my children, cannot run off and go where the wind takes me. My feet itch to travel, my heart yearns for the anonymity and excitement of new places.
So. Am I keeping up? Or am I being dragged, unwilling, behind?

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you had decided to continue the challenge and be damned of a time frame. "Keeping Up" is something I feel I identify with in many ways.

    For me, it's knowing I'm falling behind, but not bothering to fully step up and embrace what needs to be done.

    If I can be honest, as I find no issues of the roaming in nakedness, I've been semi-curious (maybe concerned) about the emotional end of the topic.

    I don't want to cross any boundaries, so I will just say that in terms of "keeping up" you seem rushed... frantic of sorts... to change. Change who you are, who you want to be. I understand change is inevitable, but I always thought it seemed you were forcing it. Like you have been so fed up and sick with who you used to be in some past life (you've talked about it some) that it's impervious that a desired shift in direction is instant instead of gradual.

    This, if combined with worry and/or self-doubt, can create what I feel may be a repetitive cycle of never truly being fully satisfied with oneself.

    I kind of just wanted to say relax and just let it happen, but don't force it. I understand urgency for change when it comes to getting out of a situation whether physical or emotional (or both), but make sure you maintain a balance.