Friday, June 14, 2013

Looking Forward

I'm about half way through this alphabet challenge, though I admit that I'm slow about it. It makes me think about what will come after this set of posts. Start over? Write whatever I want? It's hard to think about it when I don't have a structure to write within.
Or maybe I won't write? Maybe I'll just post photos? I have no idea.
I've had some success with getting some of the creative projects 'on to paper' so to speak, since the last post. I have a collection of photos, a skeleton outline of my commune project, and a more fully outlined mystery novel, with a paranormal idea for a novel as well. My romance novel is stuck at around 5k, and I'm not sure what to do with it, really.
My business cards arrived today. They have my new name and contact information. I can't help but feel a rush of excitement that I am moving forward into the world as Cadence, trying on the the name as I get through the legal documentation. I've even joined Facebook again (on a very limited basis) to see how that feels.
I will say, there is an unexpected amount of joy in seeing my name come up at the top of the page, and seeing it there when I reply to an email. Opening the box with my business cards was even more thrilling. It's real! I'm real!
I feel like a butterfly. The past six months I have been in a chrysalis - healing, changing, reforming. Now I am getting my first peaks at the outside world from this new perspective.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Keeping Up

The title of this post, in keeping with the A-Z blogging challenge (though I have obviously given it my own time frame), is Keeping Up. I've been thinking about the K post for a long while, considering all the good 'K' words in my life. I feel like this title sits well, though, with the mood right now, though.
Keeping up is, for me, a sort of double entenrde relating to my life. I have fallen into the pattern of always feeling behind. I have not meal planned enough in advance, I have not planned the weeks homeschool activities, I haven't picked out clothes and now we must all wander the house nude until the dryer is done...
The other meaning, the more difficult and subtle meaning has to do with my emotional well being. Am I keeping up? Or am I allowing myself to sink slowly, like a sponge gradually taking in water until it is too heavy to float at the surface? I spend a lot of time wringing myself out, popping back to the surface, and beginning again.
These past few months have been so challenging for me. I feel like I am pregnant with dozens of creative endeavors, but, like Leto, I am unable to bring these projects to birth. I have not yet found that bit of earth that is not earth, that in between space, that zen. Worse yet, I am a wanderer who cannot wander. I cannot leave my children, cannot run off and go where the wind takes me. My feet itch to travel, my heart yearns for the anonymity and excitement of new places.
So. Am I keeping up? Or am I being dragged, unwilling, behind?